My heart had just been crushed after I said to myself that I wouldn’t love anyone to that extent anymore but do I truly have control over how I should love someone . I used to be the type that would love someone with my everything, my heart, body, and soul but I now have come to be a point where I know that there’s a first love before any other.
Back then I used to love like a dog after bones, if it requires me jumping into the pool just for the bone, I die there, I’m in. But I am at a stage of my life where I know my first love is God and any other love has to be line with the way my first love requires me to love.
I won’t give up my soul when it belongs to God.
I never knew I could love again to that extent, As usual, I picked up my brokenness and moved on. I have been stabbed so many times and this wasn’t different. I’m now like a red dartboard where you throw sharp darts at. Well, its all good I love the piercing and the blood that pours down my heart.
School had just closed for the session. I dragged my lonely self back home . Each day I look at the blue sky waiting for a miracle, a sign, just anything but all I see are the dark and white clouds shaping into laughing dragons.
Is it an illusion, am I daydreaming?
I could remember on this particular day, I decided on going back to him. I had left him months ago but since my last relationship didn’t end well, I needed another comforter.
Yes, I needed comfort, I needed someone to be there for me, I needed love. I searched for it like lost treasure and only in men could I find it. My journey through love has been horrible, well this ain’t different.
I reunited with my ex who welcomed me, opening his arms wide open like a cage being flung open for chickens to run out. I guess I was the chicken chasing sweet corns.
was that love? I don’t care. All I knew was my heart leaped for joy whenever I saw him. I loved him wrapping me in his arms and kissing my lips. I was surprised at why he took me back after I had left him chasing shadows.
He gave me strength once again, he was so strong like a god that I felt like the goddess. I was in love, I would sit with him and imagine a future with him.
One night, I woke up, picked up my mom’s phone because my phone had just been stolen.
I went online on Facebook only for me to see my god asking me to disembark .” stay away from me ” it was clearly and boldly written with no emphasis. The message was clear enough I guess . Stay away means flee, depart. I looked for other synonyms to understand the words.
My heart was heavy. Why stay away, what did I do? I texted him back ” I don’t understand”.
“Well sis the message is clear,stay away from him, he doesn’t love you ” my heart translated the message, I was pained. He replied saying I called his girlfriend asking her to leave him alone.
Oh lord, 😪 so he has another girlfriend. He also said we were only romantically involved. All of this translated into my brain and I blocked him. I was so mad at the fact that I let myself go through this again after coming out of one crazy relationship. It was two straight stabs to the heart, I fell into more depression.
I walked the street alone reminiscing of the sweet short times we shared and how much I missed him but I knew I couldn’t dwell on that for long.
I walked down the desolated path letting my demons lead me unto righteousness. It was a few days to my birthday.
” He saw me. “Who saw you ” “Him. light-skinned, stout, pink lips, cute face. nice eyes saw me “. And he said the words ” I love you”. How can you love a broken woman? I know not what love is, I can’t give back love in return. What truly is love? Is this it?
I have told myself I would never find love, love didn’t seem real anymore but even in my worst, he said he loves me. Why does he love me? I don’t look good to be loved. It was a dilemma
” there’s something about you that’s beyond what you see with your eyes, it’s your heart I love” oh those soothing words that tend to lure a fool to bed.
I tried to look for sincerity in all he said then he did what no other guy had done for me before and I said yes this is love and I want a part of it. He was my birthday gift, love was the gift.
A few months later was a tragedy, I was domineering, exercising so much authority that bought him low .”Shut up, you are stupid, don’t talk when I’m talking”. I said to him
I was abusive and out of love he obeyed. My mother would be like ” blessing are you now the man in the relationship” but I wasn’t bothered, I loved the power I yielded. I never knew what love is I only understood the power and that I exercised on him.
A broken woman is broken and can’t show love. same as a broken man. I saw something else that looks like gold and I went after it leaving him behind.
I never listened to his pleas or cries it was screeching to my ears, he became broken.
There’s so much to love we do not understand and in order to love we must first meet the one who created love and that is God. This story continues.
Watch out for episode two. She is broken, help her heal or show her how to heal and love herself first before you ask her to love you. she can’t do both at the same time.
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I am not specific, I am a lot of positive energies distributing parts of me to everyone I come across. A writer who wants to affect lives and change the world. How am I going to do that? Why don't you find out yourself 😏